I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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