maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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