Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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