I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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