watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
