When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
