she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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