I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
