I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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