A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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