I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
