my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
