Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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