im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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