I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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