Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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