Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
