I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
don't judge my taste in strippers
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Randomize
