so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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