shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
