Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
