I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
