i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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