Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Randomize
