Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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