I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
