Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
