i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
They took my balls.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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