Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Randomize
