no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
