I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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