You really coming over, don't trick.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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