Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
