the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
