well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
