P.S. I can't hear my feet
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize