I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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