I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Randomize
