What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize