i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
