obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
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