I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize