I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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