i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
