i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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