Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
