someone threw a dead crab at me
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
