that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
