I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
