Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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