fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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