i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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