Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
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