What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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