Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
