I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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