he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
