I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
