Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize