Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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