She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
