I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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