her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize