I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
