Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
