cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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