My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
