I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
