I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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