i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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