I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
